... if the most common phrase heard at your house is "Somebody go jiggle
... if you have ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
... if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit before going to your house.
... if you have ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
... if you have ever been arrested for urinating in an ice machine.
... if you thought Ned Beatty was sexy in "Deliverance."
... if you think that "Roe vs. Wade" deals with boat ownership.
... if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
... if you can smoke an entire cigarette without knocking off the ash.
... if you have ever gone to a movie and talked to the characters on the screen.
... if your family tree doesn't branch.
... if the last time one of your relatives bought a new home, you helped take the wheels off.
... if you have ever taken a beer to a job interview.
... if you have ever been too drunk to fish.
... if your father walked you to school because you and he were in the same grade.
... if you have ever smoked at a wedding.
... if you have ever financed a tattoo.
... if you go to family reunions to meet women.
... if you allow your 12-year-old daughter to smoke at the dinner table ... in front of her kids.
... if anyone in your family has ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."
... if your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
... if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.
... if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language.
... if the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
... if you were shooting a game of pool when your first child was born.
... if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
... if you have ever shot a deer from inside your house.
... if the directions to your house include the expression, "Turn off from the paved road."
... if Goodwill does not accept the donation of your mattress.
... if you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
... if you have ever made change out of the offering plate at church.
... if you have an "Elvis" jello mold.
... if you have ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
... if you bring your dog to work with you.
... if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
... if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
... if you have to hit the dashboard of your truck to make the radio work.
... if every time you see a road sign that says "DIP" you reach into your back pocket.
... if you think Wal-Mart is expensive.
... if your alarm clock is your dog.
... if you have ever argued with the K-Mart manager about the "No Shirt, No Shoes" rule.
... if you have a matching set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
... if you spell FERTILIZER with only four letters.
... if you have ever slam-shifted a tractor.
... if you have ever lost a dog to a bush-hog.
... if you had to remove a toothpick from your mouth for your wedding pictures.